Thoughts on Blogging

Ever since my last post about my "day off from diabetes" I have been doing a lot of thinking about this whole blog thing. I started this blog for two reasons. 1- I wanted a way to reach out to the diabetes community and had hopes that my blog could somehow help or inspire others affected by Type 1 Diabetes and 2- I thought it would be a good outlet for me to share my ups and downs and help me as I work to manage stress and the variety of other emotions we all go through in our daily lives. I never wanted my blog to be a place where I would simply complain or vent negative thoughts and feelings and I certainly never wanted anyone to read my blog and be left sad, discouraged or thinking I am asking for any type of sympathy as I deal with my disease. At the same time, I want to be able to be honest about my feelings no matter which end of the spectrum they may be on, which is why I am struggling a bit with this last post.

After I put up my post about wishing among other things that I could run out the house with a very small clutch containing nothing that has the word "glucose" associated with it, I thought I had posted something light hearted but at the same time real and honest. It felt good to daydream even just for a half hour about having a day off from diabetes and it felt good to write about it. What didn’t feel good was having both my Mother and Sister say that reading the post had made them sad. On the one hand, I realize this was maybe in a way inevitable because they love me and only want the very best for me diabetes related and not. Still, it got me thinking if maybe that blog post (and other posts) have been too negative and maybe even seemed as though I wanted people to feel bad for me living in my world where I do not have a day off from diabetes. Although I do wish everyday for a cure for diabetes, every day I also remind myself of the many many blessings in my life. I have wonderful friends and family that support me and love me and bring me so much happiness. I am lucky to have a great job that allows for me to live comfortably and get fabulous medical care and overall I am in great health. I would like to think I don't spend much time feeling bad for myself in terms of my diabetes and in fact,I think this blip in the road has only made me more grateful and aware of all of the wonderful things in my life.

 Diabetes can be tough sometimes and I may get frustrated, scared and even angry at times but overall I know how truly lucky I am and I hope that this comes across to both those who know me and those who read my blog. I want to write about the hard stuff to show others with similar struggles that they aren't alone, but I realize I can't have a blog filled with only worries, wishes and complaints. Maybe I just need to make time to write more about all the special things going on in my life that I am so grateful for. Nieces taking their first steps, grandparents turning another year older, and having a simple dinner and movie night with my boyfriend. It is these things that make me feel so blessed and grateful but many times I am only moved to blog when something is troubling me or I feel the need to vent.

So where does this leave me with my blog? I am hoping to continue with my blog and with writing, but am realizing just how hard it is to put yourself and your real feelings out there. With a blog, you are only putting up small snip-its into your life and don’t know how others will interpret it. I guess I will do some more thinking about this blogging thing and keep writing as I find the time and feel inspired. But in the meantime, please know- yes I would certainly love a day off from diabetes- but a day off from everything else wonderful in my life- no chance.

If I Could Have One Day Off From Diabetes.......

I would leave the house without checking my blood sugar or eating breakfast just for the liberating feeling that I can race out the door without thinking of ratios, the dawn phenomena, carbs or boluses.Once at work I would go to cafeteria for breakfast and get pancakes with syrup. Real syrup on real pancakes- and I would indulge in a breakfast that I have hidden away from for years due to the high sugar content.  I would attend all my meetings at work with only a notepad and a pen- no diabetes bag or CGM and wouldn’t have to worry about having an unpredictable low during an important meeting or event.

I would maybe have a mid morning coffee since I wouldn’t need to bolus for the what I call the "caffeine effect" and would be able to meet my co-workers in the cafeteria for lunch without stopping off to check my sugar and take my shots. For lunch I would take the plunge and get a sandwich despite not knowing exactly what kind of bread it was and how many carbohydrates that means.  If something came up and I wanted to save the rest of my sandwich for later, it wouldn’t be a big deal, I wouldn’t have any insulin on board waiting for that other half.

After work I would go out for a long run and maybe even a bike ride too without having to eat a snack first and I wouldn’t once worry about how blood sugar was doing. I would instead be able to totally focus on my workout and enjoying my “me/stress-free” time. I wouldn’t stop to check my CGM or blood sugar and would only turn around to head back home because I felt like it. I wouldn’t head home because I only had a half an apple before my run or because I felt my sugar dropping. I would stop my workout on my terms- when I felt as though I had gotten in a full good workout.

I would shower and get dressed happy to be getting ready without worrying about concealing the CGM device I typically wear and hide under shirts and dresses.  I would borrow back one of the small clutches or wristlets I have passed on to my sister since they don’t fit all of my diabetes stuff and go out for dinner and drinks with only a small bag that would not include a meter, strips, needles, granola bars, and glucose tabs. I would order a sugary strawberry daiquiri or cosmo instead of my typical white wine and if it took a while to get a table I would know I wouldn’t need to pop a few glucose tabs to hold me over. At dinner I would order whatever I wanted- again not worrying about carbs, how fat content would affect my insulin dosing, or hidden sugars. I wouldn’t need to hide blood sugar testing under the table or take my shots discreetly and I would maybe even order my very own dessert.

9:30PM would come and go without my nightly long acting insulin dose and I would get ready for bed without checking my blood sugar. I wouldn’t need to make sure my meter and all necessary supplies were on my nightstand within easy reach and I would sleep better than I have slept in years knowing that my blood sugar would be stable despite my exercise that day, food/alcohol intake or hormone fluctuations throughout the night. I wouldn’t be woken up in the middle of the night by feelings of shakiness or sweats associated with a low or by a beeping CGM device.  I would wake up after a restful night sleep and realize my one day off from diabetes was over. No more pancakes, worry-free workouts and clutches for me. I would get out of bed, walk downstairs to find my meter, and I would check my blood sugar.

First Group Bike Ride!

As some of you may know, the part of the triathlon that is scaring me the most is the bike ride. I am sure I should be just as nervous (or maybe even more nervous) about swimming in the Schuykill River or trying to get my legs to even move after a swim and a 25 mile bike ride, but the biking is what worries me the most. Getting comfortable on my new bike has been a sloooooow process but I am happy to say that I survived our first group bike ride this past Sunday.

My practice on the bike before Sunday had progressed from riding around an open parking lot near my house and just practicing getting on and off the bike to being out for close to 45 minutes on West River Drive two Saturdays ago. I was pretty excited about my 45 minute/8 mile personal record but realized I still had a long way to go when I overheard some real bikers say at a bike “101”  last week that 45 minutes is a mere warm up. (I didn’t realize this sport was going to be so time consuming!?! Sheesh!)

Anyway I was very nervous for Sundays bike ride since I knew we would likely be going 20 miles or so and I still get nervous about other bikers, curves in the road, how to pass, and lots of other things related to my bike. I wasn’t sure exactly how long the ride would be but I wanted to make sure I was prepared with all my diabetes stuff just in case. When go out running I typically carry glucose tabs or GU but I rarely bring a meter or my CGM. Since we would be out biking for a while and for a distance I had never gone before, I figured I needed to load up my bike bags with as much as I could.

In my front bag (one I could access with my hands if I had the courage to take one hand off the handle bars while the bike is in motion) I had my CGM, a meter, strips, a lancet, and glucose tabs- all in plastic baggies in case it rained. In my bag in the back I had my stuff to fix a flat (yea…not like I know how to use that yet…), a protein bar, sugary GU candy things, and a small Gatorade. It was a tight fit but I felt more comfortable knowing I had all of this with me.

My blood sugar was high when I woke up Sunday AM from Sean and I going a bit too nuts with the chips and guac at dinner out the night before so I took some correction insulin, but reduced my bolus in half for my toast with PB & banana to account for the ride. The ride began right near my house which was super convenient and I along with all my diabetes stuff, started out the ride near the back of the pack but with some teammates I had rode with before. The ride overall went well. Near mile 9 or so I saw my CGM buzz “LOW- Under 70” so I stopped to check my sugar. Some of the girls went ahead to stop off at the bathroom and I stayed back shifting through my front bike bag for my meter and strips. Although my CGM said I had dropped to 48 my blood sugar was 101- which wasn’t all that bad. I popped a few glucose tabs since I knew we were only about half way through and we went on our way. My sugar stabilized the rest of the ride and I ended the 20 mile bike ride with a BG around 140. We were out for about an hour and half and I felt good. I was tired but not too exhausted and had gone a lot faster and further than I had before. I had gotten practice on some small curves and hills and was getting a little more usto yelling “left” when riding by people on the bike path.

Today my legs are sore but a good sore.  And if it wasn’t for the 80 degree weather I probably would have taken the day off from training since I had pushed myself hard with my work outs Friday and Saturday too- but I just had to get out there and run today since the weather was so beautiful. I know I still have a lot of training and practicing to do, but overall I am feeling a lot better about the biking. When I go out on my bike it is now more because I want to- instead of feeling like I NEED to in order to overcome my fears and begin training. Now if I could only get usto my clip-in bike shoes!!!

A Good Day for Carbs

There are days when I am convinced my body must be producing insulin. Days when I feel as though I have been miraculously cured of my Type 1 diabetes and that somehow, someway my pancreas has come back from the dead to help me out. Yesterday was one of those days. My CGM hovered around my “low alarm line” of 70 most of the day and despite over-treating for lows, I never saw a blood sugar above 82. 

My BG Numbers for the Day.......

7:01am                 80           Great!

7:45am                 48           Ugh.

11:18am               81           Huh, surprised I didn’t rebound from that AM low…

12:07pm               42           After lunch…really?!?

2:01pm                 78           Still not climbing after waaay tooo many pretzels…..

4:51pm                 81           Eek-will I be able to workout today?!

7:04pm                 82           After an apple and spinning class…not bad…

8:27pm                 77           Guess I will have some fruit before bed….

Of course I am almost certain my pancreas did not have a change of heart and it’s likely the impact of my triathlon training is at least partially to blame for this crazy day of lows.  I worked out hard this past weekend, specifically on Sunday when I swam in the morning and went for a long run in the afternoon. I am sure my new workout routine is bringing my numbers down and changing my insulin requirements and I have been working to offset this by adjusting dosing and ratios. Still there have been days like this in the past, where exercise has not been as large as a factor, and I feel as though there must be insulin being produced somewhere in my body. It is not so much a “honeymoon period” because it only lasts a day or so but it leaves me exhausted, skipping workouts, reducing insulin intake and eating any carb I can get my hands on.

A year or so ago as I was having one of my “insulin producing” days, I found myself in the unlikely situation of sitting in a Dunkin Donuts eagerly scarfing down a blueberry AND a chocolate chip muffin. Usually straying away from donuts, bagels, and muffins since they typically send my BG through the roof, I walked away with a BG no higher than 150 or 160. Pretty much a medical miracle in my mind.

I will never be able to explain what was going on with my sugars that day or what caused all my lows yesterday. It could have been exercise, hormones, or maybe a pancreas beta cell giving a last chance effort.  Maybe it is a little of all three. That is what keeps diabetes interesting I guess. The only thing I really know for sure is that my brief period of lows will likely not last too long. I'll try to enjoy it, cause sooner or later a big fat 287 blood sugar will show up on my meter when I least expect it- reminding me that, yep, I still have diabetes.  I will slowly back away from the baked goods now.

Back From Vacation

Since my guest post on Kerri's Site about being the "perfect" person with diabetes, I have been well... far from the "perfect" blogger.  I wish I had found more time to write over the past two weeks since there has been lots going on, but somehow every time I sat down to write, something (including vacation) seemed to get in the way.

I first want to mention that the whole guest post experience turned out to be even more exciting and meaningful to me than I had ever thought it would be. I can't even describe how wonderful it was to read all the super nice comments I got on both her site as well as my own, from people saying they enjoyed the post and could relate to where I was coming from. To even just hear one person say that reading my blog made their day made my whole week! I am so appreciative to Kerri for helping me further connect to the Diabetes Community.

I  got back on Saturday from a week long vacation with my boyfriend in Clearwater Beach, Flordia. We were lucky enough to have a really great week- full of wonderful weather, time on the beach, a day trip to Busch Gardens and a few Phillies Spring Training games.

In terms of my diabetes while on vacation, I did have some highs, likely due to some splurges (homemade ice cream one night and some beers on the beach and at phils games- beer typically makes my blood sugar skyrocket) but overall my numbers were pretty good. My numbers typically tend to be better while on vacation because I am up and moving around more (versus sitting in a chair all day) and I am overall more relaxed and free from stress. It usually works out pretty nicely- the less stress and more activity helps balance my vacation indulgences.

While I was on vacation, I was also lucky enough to reach my fundraising goal for my Team In Training Triathlon. My family, friends, and co-workers have been BEYOND generous and supportive and I am so very appreciative. It means so much to me.  I very excited to be able to help the LLS raise this money and to be able to help this worthy cause. Thank you to everyone for their kindness and support!!

My Guest Post on Kerri's Site!

I am super excited to have a guest blog post up on Kerri Sparling's Blog Site sixuntilme. Kerri is a huge inspiration for me in terms of being a mom with Type 1 diabetes who uses her voice to advocate and share her story with others.  She is a very talented writer and has a huge following in the diabetes community.

I had the chance to meet Kerri this past summer (the way I reacted you would have thought I just met Brad Pitt!) and I credit her with inspiring me to start a blog of my own.

Thanks Kerri for letting me guest blog on your site! It is truly an honor! :)

You can check it out here: http://www.sixuntilme.com/

The Highs and Lows of the Week

This week as I continued my training and preparation for the PHLY Tri, I found myself at both ends of the spectrum in terms of emotions and blood sugars.  This past week has been both exhausting and energizing, filled with discouragement and promise, and certainly had some highs and lows.  

On Thursday I went for my final bike fitting with the folks at Wheel Wright Bike Shop and could not have been more excited to get the final tweaks made to my bike and load it up in my car to take it home. It was definitely a high point of the week. I officially owned a bike- complete with everything from a new helmet and shoes to a tire pump and a little compartment to hold all my diabetes necessities.

The low point and discouragement came into play when I went out on my bike Friday after work. Friday afternoon was an atypical February day here in the Philadelphia area with temperatures close to 65 degrees. Having brought my new bike home the night before, I could not wait to get home to take it for spin. I was quickly brought back to reality as I realized that this new bike, although custom fit to me, definitely has a different feel and fit than that mountain bike I rode as a kid.  It was not as simple as I had hoped to just jump on the bike, clip in my new fancy shoes, and ride off into the distance.  Let’s just say after a few falls and some discouragement and embarrassment, I walked my bike back to my house realizing I have a long way to with this bike thing.

My blood sugars have also seen both the tippy tops and lowest of lows this week. I‘m loving the change in my workouts in terms of adding spinning and swimming to my routine, but it has been a challenge (and exhausting) to try to balance my sugars with these changes.  The swimming drills at the our Team in Training swim practices have not been lowering my blood sugars as much as I expected and I was left with a 318 reading this past Saturday when I got out of the pool. Ugh.

On the opposite end of the spectrum, I had my lowest reading to date this past week.  I could hardly believe it when my meter showed me a glaring “26” after dinner reinforcing that my new work outs are really pushing me and I may need to make some insulin adjustments to account for it.

Another high point of the week came as I began fundraising for my event.  As I drafted my letters, set up my website and sent emails to my family and friends, I was grateful and energized about the opportunity to make a difference for those suffering from blood cancers. The Leukemia & Lymphoma Society (LLS) is a wonderful organization that is committed to finding a cure for leukemia, lymphoma, Hodgkins disease and myeloma. They work to improve the quality of lives of patients and their families and I am so excited and honored to be a part of this effort.  With each donation that came through this week, I was touched by the generosity of my family and friends and filled with hope and promise for these the patients whose lives will be greatly impacted by our support.

This high point of my week is truly the most important aspect of all of my efforts related to this triathlon and through times of discouragement, low blood sugars, and feelings of exhaustion, I work to remember all of the patients so deserving of our help and why I have challenged myself to this effort.  I already know that despite any roadblocks or lows along the way, what we are doing for these individuals will make it far worth it in the end.

If you are interested in supporting the LLS, feel free to visit my site for more information:

http://pages.teamintraining.org/epa/philtri11/hschweizer

Thank You!!